Handlebar Howl: Cantos for Critical Mass, by Warren Leming

The Bike-- a two wheeled Pageant
People Powered low maintenance Circus
Creates street smart hocus pocus
Not plague breeding metallic locusts

Bikes run on sinew and eye and arm
Have an overpowering oily charm
A life enhancing car alarm
Gives the driver the will to disarm

Bikes don't kill or maim or cause irreparable harm
They solder you to impossible nuances
Alter your tailoring and stances,
Make for roadside seances
Keep you sharing lascivious glances

Bikes make the landscape dance

Mountain or Racer, big or small,
Bikes spawn tush boggling sexy free for alls
Enhance what once sagged in your pants
Think two wheeled Viagra not Carnivore sycophants

Tens of thousands of years we've lived here with great heart
Creating poetry, song and magnificent Art
Creating tools and laughter and Headstart
Sculpture, biking, trails and delicious tarts
And at the end of the process-- now heres the best part
The final human moment-sweetheart
According to some autopsied Media-wart:
We all wind up in line at : Wal Mart

It is to laugh, to weep, to mourn, to reel
Greed drives an Automobile
Autos slash and burn and gas
Run on flesh and blood and conflict and pollution
Wars are waged to refine this confusion

Fresh air, five bucks a shot
Who polluted Camelot?
The robots at the body shop?

This once green paradise
Victim to the auto garrote
They don't want a world
They want a parking Lot.
Answer:? NOT
But the fat cat corporate-Sap has a plan
Turn your veggie salad into spam
In his gated condo surrounded by electrified wire
By guards and guns and fields of fire

Those who count profits day and night
Have no the time for bike or light
Or air or water, fresh or bright
Honest, sustainable, healing or true
They've turned your clean air and you to glue

Dudes be living in the Rock State
You aint' on the guest list.. and you're perpetually late
Underpaid, underfunded, under estimated-
Under housed, underschooled, bearing the weight
Of all that auto freight disguised as Fate

The Automobiles a Cosmic Fenderscrape..
That's what they call it- when you get the Gate
All your labor and Voo Doo focus
Shredded by Free Market Locusts

Tell the man at the Bank to stop redlining
We're Born to raise consciousness not.
Two timing-profit driven whining
Bikes shine. they're fine. never whine:
SUBLIME runs on bike time

Now once Life was smaller and we lived on animal power
But the horse disappeared and was aced by the car
You don't have to be the Woman of the Hour to realize
BIKES insist on a view of the Sky

In LA they had public transportation
The car creeps then had it trashed
And tho Hollywood's breeding Misinformation
Their clean airs turned to tubercular hash
Oh that toxic stash.

See the earth, feel its rhythm, Welcome to the Land
Of the Givin
A Bike puts you back where Happy meets longitude
Every dudes latitude a beatitude exuding Lewd
Extrude that plenitude.. Bike Nude

TAKE off your clothes; use your nose, don't pose
Give your bike a rose-- Can the exhaust hose
Be rude to the prude
Shrewd with the deluded

Don't Founder, sag, sputter, stutter and slide.. Take a bike ride
The Bike puts you back where theres no Rush hour, or Limbaugh, no death
penalties, White flight or chainsaw ,
Traffic jams, mini cams, or corporate AWE

Hour by hour, peddling through life. Without the pollution,
Flip to a bike, Ride the solution
Cars are Toxic and stupid, and cost:
Dental contraptions spewing bankruptcy floss
Bikes are efficiently powered and High Tech
Not infernal drudgery running on DRECK

Deep Six the TV
Pick up your hat-- get outa your Bat. cave
Put on that t shirt and your green cravat
Become a topographical fantastical dual wheeled acrobat

Move your hips and can all the drivel
Your bike is waiting: Do the handlebar swivel
To weave, wave, get whacky and ripe
Dawdle, bamboozle, sing and swipe
Handlebar Howl. All NIGHT

Leap, laugh, love and lick
Make your Bike, like Life.. a Passionate Kick
Create a world of Bike Bolsheviks
Bringing oxygen driven Revolution
Where once the air made people sick
Preach Bike life to the Lunatic
But Be Quick: Greed is slick, rich and tricky
Waits to make your bike seat sticky

The Cars a virus running on strife:
Fill up on Life

Be good to Your Bike
Keep it clean and well oiled, let it roll
Stroke it, let it rock.. be mindful of its soul
A soul so efficient it needs barely any oil

Elegant, sexy, and mad for you alone
Your bike gets you home
It will dig you if you treat it right
Get you there in any weather
A friend who will listen on those bad nights
When you are blinded by all the Headlights
Bikes are forms of Illuminati
Spreading mystical auto karate"

Your bikes a friend waiting patiently while you party
A pal whose never dull, pretentious or Arty
Chained to some fence on the coldest night
Ever faithful ,waiting with two wheeled insights

Bikes are your best pal, ever ready to ride
Running on the energy that you provide
As you hop into the saddle- ready to Glide
Blowing down the Highway of Life-
On your brand new old fashioned Bike

Feel that oxygen fill your lungs..
You're beginning to groove
Slide out, you're hooked, not hung
On a roll.. not screwed

A wheel is Moving Fun: not a gas driven Stun gun
Check out that Sun in the sky and those friendly faces
Man. the media ain't gonna take you to these places

Media's out to sell you a car that won't start
Sell you oil, and gas, by the metric ton or quart
Advertising enfeebles the heart
Stifles the Life your body needs
Leaves you gasping and grasping and Teeeeee'd

Live each day on a Bike built Might
Do wheelies in Atlantis
Cop to the sporting Life
Which Ways Nirvana?
Your bike deserves a sauna
Think Fantastical Mystical Heightened unicycle Life.
Only one way to get there: ON A BIKE

The Grand Canyon, the Canals and Rivers
Bikes take you where Cars can never deliver
Secret places where you'll quiver
Where wild creatures await you-with wily smiles on their faces

Bikes don't care about your bank account or color
Bikes ask one question:
Can I be your significant Other?
Sisters love bikes and bikes love sisters
Bikes create gigantic love blisters

Bikes have a way of saying : Yo Sister
I've been locked here all day.. lets twist
I need a long ride in the mist.Lets tryst
Every kiss a bit of cycle driven bliss

Bikes promise fun and adventure and solutions
Cars groove on horsepowered pollution

Now I'll tell you a secret that could alter your brain wave
Keep you sane, not maintaining some fiction
The worlds best seen, smelled, tasted---on a Raleigh,
A Wastyn, A Trek, or a Schwinn, . No friction

Better yet.. make your own..
Build your bike at home

Turn your bedroom into a bike shop
Can the carhop slop, think non stop
Be a bike fop
Wear bike gear in groovy colors
Wear a helmet fitted with shades and shutters
Skin tight outerwear that never flutters
Cover yourself in bike butter
Groove to Bike Hop

Bike shop hip hop non stop anti motor bop
Bikes mean more flips, sips, dips and lips
Pressed to your inflatable form--- don't
Cop to the car-norm
Make mine free form.. Road tested, two wheeled
Use your Bike horn

Cop a feel
That bikes your lover, your friend, your passional life
Polish it, caress it, set it free. to take you anywhere you were meant
to be- ecstasy
Get out and ride.as the cosmic wheel takes you OUTSIDE





Cars seal you in a metal spoor
Walls of tinted glass-Hells drugstore
Wads of paint and chrome and brass
Wads of sludge, and mercantilist sass


Entombed with fools whose only aim Is profit
How do we stop it?..
Hey sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers
Cars demand endless care: Bikes are no bother
Bikes handle like a feather in any weather
Whoosh.. swoosh, moosh, toosh-Truth!
Who ever heard of a bike toll booth?

This mad highway filled with pollution and greed
Traveled by thousand wheeled centipedes
Living on Meth and speed

Bikes keep you pumping,
Put a grin on your face, enhance your embraces
Put you in the Mood for madness and joy
Cars just make people paranoid

Bikes are bo ho so ho po mo ho ho lets go,
Cars keep you metered and a doddering No show
Bikes race to places where salivating lovers slipstream
Cars front for Stardom and Jim Beam
Bikes get straight on confused adventure and bliss
Cars breed people who've forgotten how to kiss
Bikes amble, wander, shake and rattle
Cars cough and chug and stall and addle
Bikes mean you never need a paddle
Cars get you places, but never let you Travel

Cars develop a MIDAS TOUCH..

MAKE the bike our national Ideal
Tell the mayor to come up with a Free Transport Deal
Give your block sex appeal
Every citizen deserves a wheel
Write your senator and other politicians
We're dying of auto emissions,
We're sinking under carbon dated sludge and pistons

Tell the mayor and the Alderman: You want a ticket for Everyone
Free transportation on all the main streets
No more waiting in the snow, rain and sleet
For Buses stuck in perpetual traffic

Lets get graphic
Demand that cars be hauled away ,
Get that scrap off your street
Put People back on their feet
Four wheel drives turn people to meat

The elderly, the young, the mother and father
Crumpled into Auto Fodder?.Never!.
Let Kids learn what it means to ride
To glide, to dance, to move, don't be shy
Don't wind up a tainted shadow
Entombed in a world without ....Crescendos

Don't want no soggy diminuendos
Say it piano.. Say it mezzo forte
Gimme a bike. Not an auto de fe!

We all want a world with ups and downs
World filled with variegated sounds
Not a world reduced to dollars or pounds
Paved over S and Macadamized ground

Tv's a down where hope is reduced to Clowning around
Your life become a silent sound . bite
Used to sell mounds of useless renown
Talk show -Game Show -NO GO -dummydown

TV's Where creative is dissed as eccentric
The abysmal Stupidity of high tech eclectic
A useless Intro spective-spectacular
Don't be:
Quiet, or careful, or silent, or polite'
Or accept that
Grim, gray, auto disapproval in the midst of Life
Get a Bike

Get on your bike tonight and
Redeem what used to fire your life
Don't forget your bike light
And some good reflectors. don't want no
Undetected specter's fogging your vector
CARS are metallic Hannibal Lecters

I want clean air and unfettered sunlight
I want the smile back on your face
The one you used to wear
Before all this hysteria and MTV,
Put that frown where your smile used to be

Before all that canned meat and well financed delusion
Flattened your optimism and left you with no illusions

Before the billion dollar budgets put a car in the place
Of what was once your bike space

We been surveyed and sampled and left without grace
Because some broker-joker wants a padded parking place

Corporate TV is commodified crap
A deluge of ad sap.
Put your bike in the service of AD Busters
Can the polluters and profiteers and money luster's
You're out to create a Bike route,
Runs East and West, North and South


Take your autos and trucks and high priced Gas
Take the billions in nocturnal emissions
And deep six all that pricey indecision.
Actions breed two wheeled precision
Memory is power -make a bike decision this very hour

(quiet aside)
Vengeance is memory, hour by hour
Memory is the form that vengeance takes
Here In the parking lot by the lake

Take your car lots and battery driven bunnies
Take the laugh track strangling funny
Take Leno and Letterman, Cheers, and Friends
Take Hollywood Squares and Millionaire trends
Take pompous newsreaders and pundit fleas
And the Consumerist mantra: Gimme gimme gimme

Take Novak and McLaughlin and W Bourgoiseeee
Take Mobil and Exxon and A Tand T,
Take corporate funded theatre and withered trees
Take the Board of Directors and the advertised Powers
Take The Fib and Dark Times.. and redeem the wasted Hours

Wasted hours listening to Lies about everything under the Moon and Sun.
Lies endlessly repeated,
Turning Everyone into No one.


Take that cyber infrastructure that can't bear the weight
Of all this senseless useless auto Freight
Automatic, autocratic, tail finned autopsy bait

Take Sting and U2. And all that ossified Rock,
That soundtrack advertising Car schlock
Pushed by a shock jock smelling socks
The brainless media nonsense.non stop
Moronic Inferno feeding on gas and promo

Take all the chauffeured cars, and limousines
And turn em into molten ice cream
Melt the unfelt, Consumerist blather
Trash the Greed train .. whoppee--
Be Critical :...Matter!!

MTVs crack without the pipe
Selling you jive, and ghetto blaster hype
Dudes talkin bout bitches and HO's
Covered in Jewelry-- drivin Big CARS
Pimping for life styles- and Rich and Famous
Eminems.. the first homo phobic anus

Take the Corporate And Stupid and Insane
The newsreaders pushing bland and contrived
The media schills with petrified wives
People whose idea of Outside
Is a pair of designer jeans and a comfy Car ride

We're getting CARSICK
So pass the bag
Roll down the windows
REAL air.. take a drag
Park that toilet just over there
Call the dealer -be firm but fair
Get that rattle trap outa here

Find a bike --now don't stop:

Get a red one, a blue one, a green one, or white
Make mine Fuscia and Black with phosphorescent lights
I want the book by the guy who firebombed the auto pound
Need sixty pairs of bike tights
And I want em all candystriped
I want a tattoo that says: Spare me the Hype

I want a pair of fat tires and more fancy short pants
And a life time pass to the Tour de France
I want a safety helmet with Godzilla on it
I want monkey bars and hexagonal grommets

I want a tool kit just under the seat'
And public toilets on each and every street
I want my baby by my side.and a t shirt that just says:

I want an Italian frame and some Eddie Merkicks shoes
I want French pedals and German screws
I want Anarchist bike shops teeming with hex
I want Critical Mass singing Tex Mex
And a University course devoted to bike sex-

I want a lock that will hold off all the thieves
I want sixty seven gears instead of three
I want sixty five forward
And two back
I want spokes that sparkle
And a chain that won't go slack
Frames that won't crack
Brakes that don't lock
Gonna put the Planet into bike shock

I want perpetual credit at the Atlantis bike bank
Motobecane Kawasaki and Schwinn
Volicipides promoting Very Original Sin

Bikes are a user friendly ideal
Functional forms grooving on Wheels
Sparkling Tools creating clean air
They don't sell shampoo or glistening hair
To impossible Squares who long to be debonair
And live in condos staffed by au pairs

Bicycles create community
Not air fun and Media monotony
Bikes Never displace people or create sad
They're Anti Exxon and Mobile ,and Conorad

No more POP.... Can the Covers
I don't want the B side
Of some promo blubber
Gimme some skin, not rubber
Pop isn't populist
Its an elitist, greed driven media mist
Rocking to a self numbing play list
Howard Sterns Mephisto and a misogonist
How big are your tits, do you like to get laid?
TV's a Frat boy-sophomore locker room serenade

Bike-- think what the world could be
If we create a bikeocracy.. a real bike driven democracy?
Sustainable , easy, humanity powered
24 -7. minute to minute, hour by hour
Humanity Power
Not corporate bottom lines
Real light and air
Not prime time/ sun shine

City's whose broad streets and thoroughfares
Are populated by people breathing clean air
Where theres no Parking.. YOU just Stop
Get off and never have to Shop

Or stand in line. waiting for buses and trains
That are never on time

A world where children need not fear death
Where they play on streets filled with exuberance and health
A world where media doesn't equal prime slime
Medias pushing truth not over sold prime time
Advertisings quick lime- corrosive waste of Time

Want A world where people take everyday off.. to pursue the wind and
adventure and truth
A world safe from war and machines that crush.. that blast, and kill and
maim and bust
A world without missiles, and tanks and slums, torture and security
services, prisons and guns
A world without celebrity self congratulation, unstressed by bible
toting schills selling feel good salvation

A world without newspapers filled with Lies.. promoting Chumps and
Trumps and Buffets
Stuff it- I don't want that portfolio filled with suffering
Hey man get your flash software buffering
We're gonna bring up radical alternativity
Gas, Electricity, Water, Road, Air and Bike Power.. shared minute to
minute.. Each day and each hour

In Every city across this land.. in Europe in Asia, in Africa and beyond

The Bike is our salvation
NOW: Get on and
GET IT ON ---Build a New Bike Nation


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